Life is a long series of relentless soul-searching and difficult decisions. Or, at least, the past few months have been for me. More and more recently I’ve found myself asking questions that I didn’t thought applied to me. Questions like whether I want to continue investing in certain people, or whether I still want the things I always wanted.
I’ll be honest. Some of the questions I’m asking are about this job.
A lot of them are. Because if I could sum up the greatest problem with how I feel right now, it’s that I don’t feel fulfilled. I have this incredible opportunity coming in September, but that’s still a way off. I don’t want the next few months to consist of me reaching the end of the day and feeling like I achieved nothing.
To be even more honest: when I force myself to write fiction, like I was talking about last week, I always feel fulfilled. When I force myself to work on blog posts, or even the weekly poem, I don’t. I definitely don’t feel satisfied when I make myself do social media or marketing or the never-ending attempt to get freelance work. And with the blog’s metrics dropping week by week, at some point I’m going to have to decide if this is all worth it. I’m not going anywhere just yet, but I’d be lying by gross omission if I didn’t mention it.
The thing is that I know what I need to do, really, and that’s to get a ‘normal’ job for the next few months.
This may well not be possible – I’d be looking for a few months of contract and I’ve got very little experience in anything at all.
But I need something that gets me out of the house, ideally daily. I need something that gives me things to do and challenges me in such a way that I always know, even if all I manage is to go to work, that I’ve achieved things.
I’ll have a routine, structure, all those things that I know really help me mentally. Maybe I’ll even sleep better as a result. Money’s nice, too. I’ve never really earned money before the small amount that my Patreon gives me.
But all these decisions are pretty intimidating, and also just make even more work when they’re made.
Because it’s one thing to say okay, I need to get a job! It’s another thing to put in the work to actually get that. It’s one thing to say okay, I’ll give the blog a few more months and we’ll see how we do. Another thing to give myself the stamina and motivation to really give it one last try.
So it’s definitely not something I’m going to fix overnight. I think I’m going to experiment with doing all of ‘this work’ one day a week – Wednesday, probably, because that’s when Patreon goes out and I can then just queue everything up at once. (I already do blog things a week in advance).
Through that I’m going to keep writing daily – though I’ll be honest, I haven’t done that this week, but I’ve had a pretty nasty virus for a lot of it. I’ve still done it 50% of the days though. The novel has an actual plan coming together! That’s very much off-topic, though.
The point is…I’m finally going through the process that the vast majority of people I know went through at 21. I’m just doing it at 31 instead. Fortunately, that means I have a lot of people around me who can give me excellent advice. Like ‘working at Tesco will be good for you, but you’ll hate it’.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to look at jobs at Tesco.