Negotiations

it’s like I’m constantly in an extracted battle with my past self,
and she’s making very clear to me everything that she wants
and insisting that I cling to those things and those people
even though I’ve changed and that isn’t what I want anymore.

sometimes I don’t know how to negotiate with her,
how to honour those things I worked for in the past
whilst still putting them aside like I want to, pursuing my dreams
instead of the ones I had when the world hadn’t changed me.

sometimes I even wonder if I should just give in to her
maybe I was right to want the things I wanted and maybe
by wanting those things I committed myself to them long ago –
only that would mean I’m also tied to the things I want now.

so often, instead, I just end up frozen still, unable to snap
the cord that tethers me to either side of that divide
and I get caught in trying to reach for two sets of dreams
when I don’t even want one of them at all.