Negotiations

Photo by Daniel Curran via Unsplash.

it’s like I’m constantly in an extracted battle with my past self,
and she’s making very clear to me everything that she wants
and insisting that I cling to those things and those people
even though I’ve changed and that isn’t what I want anymore.

sometimes I don’t know how to negotiate with her,
how to honour those things I worked for in the past
whilst still putting them aside like I want to, pursuing my dreams
instead of the ones I had when the world hadn’t changed me.

sometimes I even wonder if I should just give in to her
maybe I was right to want the things I wanted and maybe
by wanting those things I committed myself to them long ago –
only that would mean I’m also tied to the things I want now.

so often, instead, I just end up frozen still, unable to snap
the cord that tethers me to either side of that divide
and I get caught in trying to reach for two sets of dreams
when I don’t even want one of them at all.

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