For a bit of background for this, you might want to read my most recent Patreon post.
I have a problem – and the problem is, I still live every day of my life as if I need to desperately prove that I am worthy of existence. This fear of being unworthy doesn’t come from a healthy place. It comes from my mental illness, and from the false beliefs that I learnt when I was young and still haven’t gotten rid of.
There is a lot of me that does all of this work because I truly love it. And I do. The problem is, I approach everything scrabbling to show you that I am clever. That I am funny. That I am talented. I do these things because I have so deeply believed them to be false, for so very long.
I don’t believe that anymore; not in the same way. I am so proud of how far I have come. Of who I am, and who I am becoming. But I am still acting on this belief of worthlessness, no matter how much I’ve managed to unseat that belief from its deep roots.
This is why I become overwhelmed. This is why I never give myself the time to deal with things that happen. My reaction now, whenever something bad happens to me, is – this is just another thing on top of everything.
There’s a reason for that.
In an ideal world, people feel things and let them go. My mind takes feelings and thoughts and experiences and holds onto them. It never processes them or releases them. It builds palaces for them; fortresses where they entrench within my brain.
It’s not that bad things only happen to me. It’s that I’m still relieving all the bad things that have ever happened to me. I don’t know how to let them go.
And because I’m so overwhelmed by this need to prove, prove, prove, I don’t give myself the space to process.
This past week, I had some more space, and I’ve had a think about how I can build that space in my life. How I can get myself out of the habit of needing, constantly, to prove and be on display. Some of those changes are quite drastic, but don’t worry – I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me, because I can’t imagine a world where I don’t tell stories and talk about my truth.
I’m just going to be a bit more aware that whilst I can do fifty things at once, it’s not what I should do, or want to do, or ought to do. So the next few weeks, we’re going to focus on fixing that. One day at a time. Or, honestly, right now? One hour at a time.
Thank you for coming with me whilst I do.