Unexpected

I have spent many years
learning to be prepared
learning to plan things out
and leave nothing to chance.

plans and lists empower me
they remind me what I’ve done
and spur me to what I haven’t;
they hold me up and pull me down.

it hasn’t come very easily.
I’ve had to fight myself –
to fight the world that changes
to find a way to make this work.

which is why I get so angry
when I go into a supermarket
and I start to hyperventilate
because we came without a list.

I don’t know if there’s anything
that makes me feel smaller
than realising that I can’t adapt.
that I learned to cope and now I can’t.

but you just reach for my hand
and you never say it’s small;
you hold me up out of my panic
and pull me down into safety.