I am so afraid
of not know things
and of being stupid

that I have this dream –
a nightmare, really –
that comes sometimes.

I’ve had it since
I was young –
I can’t escape it.

It isn’t a dream
that’s a story,
more a feeling.

It’s the idea that
there’s something

to understand;
to make sense of.

Like the feeling
of forgetting a word
trapped on your tongue,

but so strong
it makes my heart
clench into a fist.

So strong that
I’m so afraid
I wake up shaking –

and that thing,
that impossible thing,
sits on me like lead.

It’s in my mind
so escaping it
is so very hard.

And so I sit there
small and stupid
and so very afraid.

Because I can’t
explain I’m scared
of something

so small and so
stupidly simple
as not knowing.

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