CW: Self-harm, suicidal thoughts.
I like to think I can control my mind,
but some things when imagined don’t go right.
I dream and cannot control my left arm;
it doesn’t lift, or turn – it just gets stuck.
Sometimes if it’s quite bad my leg goes too,
and then my dream is ruined through and through.
Then some things happen when I am awake:
I walk straight down the road, and in my mind
my new phone falls – smashes against the path.
And so I hold it tightly to my chest,
or else get antsy that my pocket’s doomed
to fail because my clumsiness balloons.
Sometimes I’ll walk quite smoothly down a street
and all my mind will fill with just one thought –
a vision of my ankles giving way,
and sending me tumbling, askew and shamed.
And soon each step I take is undermined;
frustration the foundation of my mind.
And when I’m feeling my absolute worst,
because these thoughts have come to weigh me down,
I’ll sit here by my desk and start to think
that I should bash my arm against its edge.
But worst of the worst things that fill my head
are all the ones that say, “You’ll soon be dead.”