When you sleep I watch you like a silhouette;
Everything I didn’t think I wanted,
Laid out before me like an unexpected gift.
Too old, too experienced, too taken,
So unlike me in so many ways: we would never fit.
Sometimes a beam of light shifts,
And I see your profile in stark relief.
How you’re there for me like no one else
How a day without you seems like a day wasted
How it almost feels like you’ve always been here.
You terrify me.
The walls I have put up splinter away,
The fragments piercing a heart I’d ignored,
Emotions I’d suppressed, feelings I’d forgotten:
In the dark night you stand there, a shadow,
And tear away all that I am piece by piece.
Though I’ve rebuilt myself a thousand times
Somehow it seems harder now that you watch,
Your eyes open wide as you devour me,
Tell me I’m beautiful, wonderful, talented,
And all the things I know to be untrue.
The first time we kiss it’s like the first cut:
I’ll do it anyway so why bother waiting,
Just one little blade on a little open skin,
Nothing’s broken but the drowning;
I flee in fear of the addiction of you.
When you leave him I close up.
The possibility of happiness is not one I entertain,
One that I turn from at all costs,
And now that I have you I feel nothing –
My heart no longer jumps at your touch.
I stand in a crater of broken shards –
And as you struggle to understand
Why it is that I push you away when I wanted you so,
I struggle to pick up the pieces
Of myself and my heart and my life.